One the 7th day of Lad-mas, my true love gave to me . . . a dollar chop?

Well, this is interesting. It looks like I'm in the middle of a real attempted dollar chop:

Subject: WE WICH YOU THE BEST IN THIS XMAS AND IS MY WISH TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU CELEBRATE NEW YEAR WITH YOUR MILLIONS

Kind Attention Stephen Colbert

This is to inform you that the HSBC Bank Authority have been mandatedby World Bank Group to credit your account under 24hrs as soon as yourelease your banking details to us,Nevertheless, we heard that you have send money to Frank Alex inregards of your fund release, maybe he has other interests indiverting your funds or maybe, he enjoys extorting monies from youwithout results. I can only advice you to be independent in decisionsand imaginations in life. It will be the begginning of yourbreakthrough.
Your File from the Presidency to us indicates that your payment hasbeen unpaid due to incompetence handling and on record; we observedthat you have already paid for almost all charges legally binding yourtransaction prior to collection. Stop wasting your money henceforth onanybody, be it Alex or Paul or even myself.
Get your fund immediately and end your incessant monetary worriesbefore it becomes too late. When you confirm your fund, you canwithdraw funds from it and then you can tell Alex that he is not GODand must not claim to be righteous in everything, after all, no man isperfect.
Stop revealing our communication to him until you get the fund andstart withdrawing from it. This is very important so that he will notdeceive or confuse you. For months now without receiving this moneywith Alex or Patrick Duffy, you must not put your egg in one basket.Try this way and be relieved because others have been enjoying ourgood transparent services. Sir, you are rest assure that the HSBC Bankwill credit your account immediately you release your banking detailsto our telex department officials email, please don?t fail and let medrop a word of advise to you, if any bank that have access to yourfund has the legal right to deduct and credit your balance withoutrequesting for more fee from you okay, I will love to help you so thatI will take up glory from almighty God, if we receive your bankinformation today by 12noon London time tomorrow your transfer slipwill be release to enable you confirm your fund in the next threebanking working days, after thorough checking we find out that you arenot dealing with any HSBC Bank branch that is why we quickly interfereon your file to avoid wasting of your money, I am writing to you nowfrom HSBC Bank Head office in UK. So don?t ignore this massage foryour own good..
Urgency is very important.

Regards,
Dr. Duncan Smith
President of HSBC Bank UK

Hmm. Either Patrick Duffy is trying a new tactic, or someone really doesn't like him and is trying to chop his dollar.

Dear Duncan,

Are you saying what I think you are saying? Are Alex and Patrick Duff internet scammers?!

That would explain why the money I sent them shows on the Western Union website that it has been picked up and yet they said they had not received the money! I think they were doing this so they could get paid twice! It all makes sense now.

Please, how can you help me?

Sincerely,
Stephen

Well, maybe "internet scammers" are too harsh, at least according to Duncan.

Subject: TREAT URGENT

My Dear Brother

Thank you very much for your immediate response, Listen I did not saidthat Duffy or Alex are internet scammers, rather, we knew them asdiversion expert, after all the requirement to enable you havesuccessful of your fund, they will immediately transfer your fund totheir foreign counterpart and proceed immediately for sharing,Nevertheless, I thank God So much that we get inform by monitoryagency and expedite action by notifying you early, All you should donow is to obtain Fund Ownership Certificate from Federal High Court ofNigeria where your fund is originated from so that we will transferfund immediately to your account within 24hrs without any hitch attachto it and in that certificate the source of your fund will be put inwriting so that you will confirm your fund when transfer without beingquestion by USA government on how you are in possession of the saidfund, Again, after our brief meeting yesterday we find out that yourfile is mess up by them and to avoid intervention of your fund ontransit by any monitory agent, we have to get fund ownership on yourname and send copy to you by attach with the transfer slip so thatyou can go to your bank and present it for immediate confirmation,okay, please contact Chairman of the contract award for this verycertificate while you forward your bank information to enable meprogram for the transfer by swift to your account.Contact Personal Email *****Tel,234**** please emails him immediately and I will also talk tohim on your behalf so that he will get the certificate before Saturdaythis week due to time frame. Because without this very certificate asthey have expose your file your fund will be stop on transit and theHSBC Bank Authority will not tolerate delay on transit afterconfirmation date is given to you by transfer Slip. TAKE NOTE: STOPFURTHER COMMUNICATION WITH THEM UNTILLS YOU CONFIRM YOUR FUND.
Waiting to hear from you
Dr. Duncan Smith
President of HSBC Bank UK

Not so fast Duncan. I still want to know what happened to the non-existent money that I did not really send ;)

Dear Duncan,

Don't worry, I haven't written them since I got your first e-mail.

I am a bit confused though. If they are not internet scammers, what happened to the money that I sent them. Someone picked it up. Where is the money?

Sincerely,
Stephen

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My dear brother

Thank you very much for the question, but meanwhile, the HSBC Bankauthority have investigated over the lost fee that you sent and waslater release the reason why the fee was hang is because Rev Patrickknew that is illegal for him who claim to be part of HSBC to collectfee from beneficiary without the submission of your Fund Ownership asit is stated in the law guiding any banks in UK, We all have mandatedthat before any transaction can be process, the owner of the said fundmust present fund ownership certificate that is legally endorse by anycountry of the origin of the fund, So my dear brother, am here toinform you that we do not accept up from fee as long as we are inpossession of your fund, So all you should do now for your own goodand the quick release of your fund is to get the certificate fromNigeria, because I can see the reason why you are contacted as thebeneficiary of this fund without any evidence to proof, no courtclearance, So my dear brother, Is quite understanding that I have notseen you before but I always believe that Good Turn Deserve Another, Imight need your help tomorrow like I have two daughters that isinterested to school in American which is not yet approve by me due tothe fact that I have no relative or friends where I can keep them totake proper care of them.Please if you contact Ernest Obi, with your address and your fullname, it will not cost you more than USD640 including the deliveryfee, because if he get it he will dispatch it to your door step sothat you will receive it original and sigh and enough confidence willnot bestow on you as the rightful owner of this fund and you enjoy ittill the rest of your life.Thank you so much for the kind understanding
Regards

Dr Duncan Smith
President of HSBC Bank UK

Since when was Patrick a reverend?!?

Dear Duncan,

So Patrick has my money? Is that what you are saying?

Sincerely,
Stephen

Speaking of dollar chops, Steve Wickers/Alf is about to get his.

Attention: Mr. Stewie Griffin

Please know now that we did not receive the money from them. It might have been recalled by your friend who sent it on your behalf or you can call the western union agent who sent the money for you. The funds are in their system but they have placed hold on the funds. You can view it over their website but when our account's clerk went there she was told "No match found" even before filling in her name. I am here to assist you and I have no reason to create more delays in this account opening exercise. They might have sent it to a different location which means that you can view it but it is adsent in the western union UK data base. Please ask your friend to give them a call and tell them correct her name and to release the money to her without delay. We await your quick reply.

Best wishes,

Steve Wickers

---------

Dear Mr. Wickers,

But the money has been picked up! My friend did not recall it. Someone has picked it up.

What is the meaning of this?

Sincerely,
Stewie

Steve should soon be getting an e-mail from another baiter (HJF) posing as "Usman Bello" - famous for dollar chopping other lads. Should be fun. HJF sends him this:

HOW U DEY JOBLESS IDIOT, WHY DON'T YOU FIND A REAL JOB LIKE PUSHING TRUCK INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR TIME THINKING YOU CAN COME AGAINST A PERSON OF MY INTELLIGENCE...YOU ARE A SMALL BOY THAT SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WRITING AND SENDING ALL THESE STUPID MAILS TO YOUR MAGA WHILE I MAKE MORE PROGRESS WITH MY LIFE AND EAT YOUR MONEY IN THE END. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR BEST, BUT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS THE VICTORY OK. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING MONEY WELL I DEY CHOP YOUR MAGA THIS STEWIE GRIFFIN OK. YOU WILL REMAIN POOR WHILE I LIVE ON YOUR SWEAT

On the sixth day . . .

I (Stephen) admit the error of my ways, and try to send the money again to Francis and Mrs. Osibodu.

Subject: MERRY CHRISTMAS/NO FUND IS PULLED HERE.ACT FAST OR FORGET THE TRANSFER

Good Day to you and your family. I do like to let you know that i received your email and i am very happy that you wrote immediately.I want you to know that Mr Felix Ubaba never pulled the money neither did the bank as well,so whatever happened to the money i think you should hold your friend Responsible for it and i want you to treat this matter seriously and make sure you dont make mistake on what you are doing.

The bank called me and they told me that you have to go and send the fees yourself to avoid any mistakes from anyone these time as the bank called the western union customer care line and they said that the sender should go to where he made the payment to to find out who pulled the money and also make sure the whole problem is rectify.I want you to know that you are to use the payment details and location including the text question given to you by the bank to go and make the payment as you are on the right side and you must make sure whosoever you want to send these time does not make mistake these time because you have today to send the money or at least tommorrow morning so that by friday your fund will be transfered to you ok.

I just want you to contact the bank and send the money and get back to me once that is done.and please make sure you contact your friend to make sure he finds out who pulled the money.

Regards,
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Francis Nolan

------------

Dear Francis,

I guess you are correct. We are still trying to figure out who picked up the payment, but I've decided to go ahead and send you another payment while we straighten everything out with the first payment. I've instructed my friend's secretary to resend the money to you.

The new MTCN number is *****

I told he to be very careful how he sends it. If you need to reach him, his e-mail is ***

I hope this finally settles our transaction and you will be sending me my money soon.

Sincerely,
Stephen

---------

Good Day to you and your family.I want you to know that i do received your emnail and am greatfull you wrote on time and i want you to know that you are to contact the bank and send the full payment details to them as i am not the one to receive it but the bank.I want you to try your best to make sure you find out who pulled the money and get back to me as i am here to give you an helping hands.

Also i want you to know that i have contacted the secretary and i have written to him to send the full payment details to me and the bank as well and please i want you to know that its your last chance and i dont want any hinderance to rise these time as your fund is going to be transfered to your account by friday morning so do make sure everything is straighten out as i will let the bank know about the sending of the fees from you,but you have to contact them and send the full payment details your friend used in sending the money ok.

At least by tommorow Mr Felix Ubaba will be going to the bank to pull the money but you have to send the state and city where the money is sent from as the western union always demand of it from Mr Felix Ubaba,ok.Send it to the bank and write to me once that is done

Regards,
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Francis Nolan

------------

Dear Francis,

Okay, I will forward the information to the bank.

Sincerely,
Stephen

-----------

Good Day to you and your family.I have written to your friend and i asked him to confirm if he made any mistake and please take care of that.The bankwill contact you and please do confirm to me the full details you are sending to the bank ok.I will get back to you soonest.Please the CITY AND STATE IS IMPORTANT.i await your urgent response.

Regards,
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Francis Nolan

Great, I don't know which made up city/state to use. I'll stick with Delaware.

Dear Francis,

I'm not sure which city. Willmington I think, but he could have gone somewhere else. I'm sure he can confirm it for you.

I sent his name and MTCN to the bank.

Sincerely,
Stephen

Oh no, the bank feels left out :(

We the board members and the Payment Department of Eco Bank Nig. Plc On behalf of the United Nations. I personally want to inform you that Mr Francis Nolan just wrote to me and told me that you sent an MTCN number of the fees you sent and we like to correct you on that because we are the one carrying out trhe transfer and you are supposed to write to us ,we are telling you these because your fund is now placed on transfer and below is your banking details and your address where wer will transfer the fund.

Please do respond now and make sure no delay is caused by you as we await your urgent response and we hope everything goes well as Mr Felix Ubaba will go to the Bank tommorow morning to pull the money as we want you to know that we will make sure your fund is transfered and we like you to know that everything is in order.
As per your first payment which you sent we want you to try and figure out who pulled the money and get us informed as we are working hard with you to see that your fund is transfered and nothings happens.

Mrs Olufunke Iyabo Osibodu.

Who pulled the money? Usman Bello, isn't that obvious. He always chops everyone dollar. He's the dollar chopper. Don't worry bank, you'll get an e-mail from him soon.

And they couldn't reach the secretary today, so I just told them the money was sent from Wilmington . . . or Dover. Whichever floats their boat.

I also hear back from Eric "I AM NOT A TERRORIST" Donald:

Attention:: Grace Jones.

Your email had been received and it contents was well noted as well. I want you to be inform that i had been able to get intouch with the western union agent in which you instructed me to get intouch with but the agent kept asking me strange questions. I want you to be inform and notifiy that the payment was not picked up by me. You are advice to send your friend to procced to western in which the payment was made to know what is stuiation over there. The accuntant general officer who is to go and receive the payment on getting there the fee in which was sent had been already being picked up.

You are advice to contact the western union agent with immediate effect because i do nto understand what is the development. Do that immediate and get back to me to enable us to finalize this transaction.

Your Affectionalty,
Eric Donland

"Affectionalty"? Aww, I think somebody has a crush on somebody, even though "Affectionalty" is not a word.

Dear Eric,

Now I'm really confused. If you did not pick up the money, then who did? My friend trying to figure that out right now with Western Union. He said they asked him a lot of questions to. I guess it's because of the threat of terrorism or something like that. I don't really understand it.

Anyway, while my friend is trying to figure that out, he sent his secretary to try to send you the money again. The new MTCN number is ****

I hope despite everything that you had a nice Christmas.

Sincerely,
Grace

On the fifth day of Lad-mas

Not as many e-mails today (I guess they're waiting until Monday to find out that their dollar has been chopped).

Just a few e-mails from Francis and Mrs. Osibodu.

Subject:  MERRY CHRISTMAS/NO FUND IS PULLED HERE.ACT FAST OR FORGET THE TRANSFER

Dear Mr Stephen Colbert ,

 REF/PAYMENTS CODE: TRASNFER#0662167 US$500,000

 Good Day to you and your family. I do like to let you know that i received your email and i am very happy that you wrote immediately.I am supposed to be with my family for the festive holiday but because your fund and other two beneficiaries as well are yet to receive their fund of which they promised to send their balance of the payment to the Bank and i want you to know as well  that you are just joking and the fund which you said have been pulled is never piucked up by me or the Bank as i am sure you knwos what you are doing.

You better get to your friend and get him informed immediately as you have to make sure you both go to the Western Union and find a way for whosoever might have picked the money because the bank told me that they did not pull the money and also the Western Union told them to contact the sender of which all the payment details are still with the Bank and they will conatcft you officially too because you have now and thursday morning to send the money or just forget about the transfer as your name is among the two beneficiries that their fund will be transfered these year ending and once these week ends and you do fail to make the payment by thursday morning,just dont bother to write to me or the bank as all fund left will be terminated.

You have been given a long rope to climb but you are taking it to be mere joke and it will happen just like that.You have to contact your friend and make sure he finds a solution to the answer of whosoever might have pulled the money because you dont have time to waste and i even thought you have pulled the money and sent as i saw two emails in my inbox but it was unfortunate that you said someone has pulled the money of which you have to go to where the money is sent by your friend and you must go along with him to confirm who pulled the money.

You are to contact the bank and make sure you Re-send the money to them with the informations given to you or just forget the fund as you will loose it and its no big deal.I am trying for you but you are not.You have now and thursday as deadline as it has been marked by the United Nations and the Nigerian Goverment,find a way to send the fees by thursday and make sure these time its not by anybody else that you will send,go yourself.The western Union told Mr Felix Ubaba that there is no mathc found of which its you or your friend that understand what happens to the fund as no fund was pulled here.Contact the western Union and they will show you the name or details of whosoever pulled the money and then you will know what to do next,but my advice to you is that you go and make sure you send the fees again to the bank or forget the fund.
 
I want you to know that the number isn not going and if you can not rectify the problem dont ever write to me as i take you as someone trusted for me to help you get your fund but you want to delay.You are the one to contact your friend or whosoever not me or the bank as we dont know them and you knows what is happening so go contact them because you sent them ok.We will not call anyone again as we dont have that time anymore to waste if you cant send the fees or contyact your friend just forget the fund and stay where you are ok.

Just try and make sure everything is done and get back to me immediately.
 
I await your urgent response. 
 
Regards, 

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Francis Nolan.

-----------

Dear Francis,

I really have no idea what you are talking about, if you did not pickup the money then who did?  Did you call Western Union?

Please give me some information on what has happened.  My friend John can send you some more money tomorrow, but I would really like to know what has happened to the money I already sent.

I better not have been scammed again!

Sincerely,

Stephen

Another MTCN is ready and waiting for Monday if they want to make the trip again.

I AM NOT A TERRORIST!

That is what Eric wants the Western Union agent he calls to know.  Big thanks to baiter A. Skinner for playing the part of the Western Union agent (I love the southern drawl too :) ).

Said agent wants Eric to answer some security questions and state emphatically that Eric is not a terrorist.

Whether Eric is really drunk or not, well I'll leave that up to the listener.

On the fourth day of Lad-mas . . .

The MTCN number's status on the Western Union website has magically changed to "picked up" even though the lads have not gotten near the money. What, oh what, could have happened?  And what will the lads do when they find out that someone has picked up their money?

Dear Colbert,

Please correct the problem so that Mike James will collect the money to enable us conclude now. Urgency is needed.

Awaiting,

Patrick Duffy

-----------

Dear Patrick,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but it's Christmas Eve and I was so busy.

I guess it doesn't matter know as I see on the Western Union website that you've been able to collect the money.

Now that you have your payment, please let me know when we can finish our deal.

Sincerely,

Stephen

-----

Dear Eric,

I see you have picked up the money and I'm glad everything worked out okay.  Sorry for the delay.  

When will I be getting your drawing of an angry squirrel for our band's promo poster?

Sincerely,

Grace

-----

Dear Francis,

I guess you got ahold of Western Union or Brian because I checked on the Western Union website and I see that you have picked up the money.  When will I get my compensation check from you now?

Sincerely,

Stephen

"Joy" , Alf & Raphael got a similar e-mail.  I can't wait to read their reactions.

P.S.  Sorry for the change in font.  I just got a MacBook and am still learning how to use it.

On the third day of Lad-mas . . .

I got one confused pope scammer ;)

Sir,the money you sent did not match any transaction.Please Kindly check and resend it so that we can finalise the release of the funds.

Thanks.
Rapheal Osuji.

Finally made the trip to Western Union, huh Raphael?

Dear Raphael,

I am confused. I checked the MTCN number online and it said the money is ready for pickup. I don't know what the problem is.

Can you call my friend and talk to him? He made the payment for me. I am going out of town tomorrow to visit my relatives for Christmas, so I'd appreciate it if you could call him. His number is ***.

Sincerely,
Stephen

----------

baby.

Mr Rapheal called me and told me that he came back and tried to collect that money and they told him at the western union office that the money is not available.

He says that you should ask your freind where he sent the money to because the money is available at the website and the telephone confirmation but it did not match to Nigerian transaction.

Maybe you should call the money back and resend it yourself and make sure everthing goes well.

Thank you my prince.

Love you more.

Lisa.

--------------

Lisa,

I just e-mailed Raphael. I am confused because I checked the MTCN number online and it says the money is ready for pick-up. I don't know why Raphael didn't pick it up. I asked him to call my friend who made the payment for me.

I will be out of town tomorrow to visit relatives for Christmas, but I should be back late Monday or Tuesday. Don't worry, I'm sure it was just a typo or a small mistake. Everything will work out.

Love,
Stephen

Eric is still also having trouble.

HELLO GRACE,

HOW ARE YOU DOING THERE , AND HOW IS THE BAND THERE TOO.

I AM TRYING TO CALL YOUR FRIEND TO MAKE AND MAKE THE CORRECTION AT THE WESTER UNOIN , BUT HERE CELL PHONE NUMBER IS NOT GOING THROUGH.

PLEASE I AM SO SORRY TO DISTULBING YOU THERE , I WILL LIKE YOU TO HELP ME IN CALLING HERE .

I AM STILL ONLINE WITH THE WESTER UNION TODAY, THE MONEY IT STILL THERE .
FROM ERIC DONLAND

Aww, that's nice that he asked about the band.

Eric,

Myself and the band are okay. I'm worried that you still can't get the money. Did you try calling the Western Union customer service number? Here is the number to the local office from which my friend made the payment: ***

Try calling them and see if they can help you. I am still travelling and can't call them right now, sorry.

Sincerely,
Grace

-------------
HELLO GRACE,
THANKS FOR ALL, I AM SO GALD WITH ALL YOU ARE DOING OKAY.
I WILL TRY TO CALL THE LOCAL OFFICE BRIAN SEND THE MONEY AND CORRECTION AS WELL.
AND STILL TRY TO CALL BRIAN ASWELL .
THANKS

Stick around for Joy

After my chastising e-mail, Peter keeps calling and getting voicemail.

I just looked at the times he left the messages. 12:45 a.m., 2:03 a.m. and 5:45 a.m.! Well of course he's going to get voicemail at that hour of the night! Even if it was a real number, no one would answer at that time of night. Two of the messages are from Joy . I love when a lad tries to sound like a woman. I also love it when a lad apologizes, as Peter does in the second phone call.

Phone call #1 - "Joy" calls at 12:45 a.m.

Phone call #2- Peter calls at 2:30 a.m.

Phone call #3 - "Joy" calls at 5:45 a.m.

Peter also apologizes in writing

Subject: sorry for the way I droped message to you

DearDavid ,

I got your email. I am sorry for the way I droped message to you, I don't mean to be rude to you, just that this transaction is suppose to beconcluded by now.

I believed that by now the money should have been transferred into your bank account, I am worried because the bank might be seeing this as childs play,do try your best and work with me and the bank so that the bank willconcluded this transaction as 25 and 26 are the only holiday before the new year.

Mrs Joy called your friend and was told by the answering machine that she should call back by monday, so I suggest if you have your friend's direct number so that he can be reached faster.
Regarding the wester union, it is available for pick up as also confirmed from Mrs Joy, do try checking it online yourself to know if it is a mistake from the western union for the opening of the account and activtion fee to enable the bank transfer the money directly into your personal bank account in usa. the online account opening and activation will enable you transfer the money online into your bank account yourself to your country.

Finally, try and finalise with the bank and also with your friend for further procedures, also try and make time out for both of us to speak on phone,this is very necessary for building of trust and easy communcation.

Waiting to hear from you soon.
Thanks,
Peter

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Peter,

I'm sure you would have better luck reaching people on the phone if you did not call in the middle of the night. Of course the phone messages are going to voicemail if you call at midnight, 2 a.m., and 5 a.m.!

Have Joy call the Western Union number I gave her today, at a reasonable hour. I'm going back to sleep now as the phone kept ringing last night, waking me up.

Sincerely,
David